And still the wind blows. I don't mind you not seeing it. I don't mind you disregarding it.
I don't mind a lot of things. I just mind myself.

You would too if you somehow knew it was going to be wrong and still did it.

The 5 things I see in my own actions and feelings.
Its quite dumb actually. Cause all of the fault is on me and I know it but somehow I'm wishing it would turn alright in the end.

Somehow I'm afraid I'm gonna break that promise or rather the vow I made with you when I rose above that first wave.

I'm afraid of the growing colors beneath me. I don't know if I'm alone in this. I introspect too much I think.

Maybe they do see something but don't bother actually to really look.

I'm either the world's greatest actor or the world's biggest idiot. I saw this a million miles away yet I walked this road. Did I actually want this somehow. This self-destruction.

Maybe when you've been so used to the atrophy of life that it feels out of place to be happy. Or maybe I've forgot how being really truly happy felt. Maybe I need rest. I've always told myself I'll feel better after getting some rest. Or maybe I'm just a little Bi-polar with a mix of paranoia and depression.

I've always told myself I always bounce back. I've always told people I'll be alright.

I shouldn't be like this. I always know but I always somehow end up pulling the trigger and let myself fall.

The biggest idiot is the one who knows its a bottomless pit but still jumps into it.

The caring heart. I've always hated to see the sadness in people. I somehow could always tell. But sometimes I didn't do anything. The times I tried I either failed or was just brushed away. Soon I somehow gave up. I was tired of see the sadness. So I closed my eyes for awhile. Decided to become a idiot. Just tried to live my life blindly. Ignorance is bliss I guess. After awhile I wanted to see again. I wanted to help. But somehow I lost a part of it. I still see somethings. I see a different degree. And now I wanna gorge my eyes out. At one point I gave up on myself. But I never gave up on people. Now I feel like I'm giving up on both. When I saw the sadness I could empathize with. When I saw the smile I tasted a little envy. I wish I could really smile like that.

I wish I could throw away all that I feel and let myself feel happy. I wish I could go into the past and tell myself. Maybe I could live without seeing, feeling and living this way. But that would be impossible so right now I'm wasting time and energy just thinking about it.

My "heart" & "mind". Conflicts. Its not two things. Its about 3 or 4 and maybe 5. I wish I could just be simple and dumb sometimes. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much in this spiral of blackness.

I'm a liar. I'm a hypocrite. I know it. I see it. I wish it not. All the "I"s but still..

I'm kinda lost in my ownself. But still somehow I know. A part of me always knew.

I should stop but my mind still an ocean of thoughts. I always told myself not to think too much but still I do.

God you see me. You know me. And I kinda know you. I've always believed there was a reason behind it all. Something greater. The thing that gave me hope and reason for every second that ticks. For every breath I breathe. I just wish I would see it.

Three years down the road I'll laugh at this. Ten I'll write a book about this road. That's if I get there.
For now I'll carry on. Until I get out of this shit hole. I hope I don't give up.

I don't think they understand. Where everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to know who I am. - Iris

Just maybe your gonna be the one who saves me - Wonderwall (random song I'm listening to)