What can I do to make things change.
Day by day it seems to just get gloomier.
Will I regret. Most likely.
When he knocks do you answer?
I said it once before.
10 years ago it started.
Will it end this time?
I just wonder what good can come from it.
If I go? Don't be sad. Be glad. This is the last. It was my choice in the end. My mistake to make.
My lord my God, Thank you for all the blessings you have given to me, thank you for all the people you put in my life. Amen
And still the wind blows. I don't mind you not seeing it. I don't mind you disregarding it.
I don't mind a lot of things. I just mind myself.
You would too if you somehow knew it was going to be wrong and still did it.
The 5 things I see in my own actions and feelings.
Its quite dumb actually. Cause all of the fault is on me and I know it but somehow I'm wishing it would turn alright in the end.
Somehow I'm afraid I'm gonna break that promise or rather the vow I made with you when I rose above that first wave.
I'm afraid of the growing colors beneath me. I don't know if I'm alone in this. I introspect too much I think.
Maybe they do see something but don't bother actually to really look.
I'm either the world's greatest actor or the world's biggest idiot. I saw this a million miles away yet I walked this road. Did I actually want this somehow. This self-destruction.
Maybe when you've been so used to the atrophy of life that it feels out of place to be happy. Or maybe I've forgot how being really truly happy felt. Maybe I need rest. I've always told myself I'll feel better after getting some rest. Or maybe I'm just a little Bi-polar with a mix of paranoia and depression.
I've always told myself I always bounce back. I've always told people I'll be alright.
I shouldn't be like this. I always know but I always somehow end up pulling the trigger and let myself fall.
The biggest idiot is the one who knows its a bottomless pit but still jumps into it.
The caring heart. I've always hated to see the sadness in people. I somehow could always tell. But sometimes I didn't do anything. The times I tried I either failed or was just brushed away. Soon I somehow gave up. I was tired of see the sadness. So I closed my eyes for awhile. Decided to become a idiot. Just tried to live my life blindly. Ignorance is bliss I guess. After awhile I wanted to see again. I wanted to help. But somehow I lost a part of it. I still see somethings. I see a different degree. And now I wanna gorge my eyes out. At one point I gave up on myself. But I never gave up on people. Now I feel like I'm giving up on both. When I saw the sadness I could empathize with. When I saw the smile I tasted a little envy. I wish I could really smile like that.
I wish I could throw away all that I feel and let myself feel happy. I wish I could go into the past and tell myself. Maybe I could live without seeing, feeling and living this way. But that would be impossible so right now I'm wasting time and energy just thinking about it.
My "heart" & "mind". Conflicts. Its not two things. Its about 3 or 4 and maybe 5. I wish I could just be simple and dumb sometimes. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much in this spiral of blackness.
I'm a liar. I'm a hypocrite. I know it. I see it. I wish it not. All the "I"s but still..
I'm kinda lost in my ownself. But still somehow I know. A part of me always knew.
I should stop but my mind still an ocean of thoughts. I always told myself not to think too much but still I do.
God you see me. You know me. And I kinda know you. I've always believed there was a reason behind it all. Something greater. The thing that gave me hope and reason for every second that ticks. For every breath I breathe. I just wish I would see it.
Three years down the road I'll laugh at this. Ten I'll write a book about this road. That's if I get there.
For now I'll carry on. Until I get out of this shit hole. I hope I don't give up.
I don't think they understand. Where everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to know who I am. - Iris
Just maybe your gonna be the one who saves me - Wonderwall (random song I'm listening to)
I don't mind a lot of things. I just mind myself.
You would too if you somehow knew it was going to be wrong and still did it.
The 5 things I see in my own actions and feelings.
Its quite dumb actually. Cause all of the fault is on me and I know it but somehow I'm wishing it would turn alright in the end.
Somehow I'm afraid I'm gonna break that promise or rather the vow I made with you when I rose above that first wave.
I'm afraid of the growing colors beneath me. I don't know if I'm alone in this. I introspect too much I think.
Maybe they do see something but don't bother actually to really look.
I'm either the world's greatest actor or the world's biggest idiot. I saw this a million miles away yet I walked this road. Did I actually want this somehow. This self-destruction.
Maybe when you've been so used to the atrophy of life that it feels out of place to be happy. Or maybe I've forgot how being really truly happy felt. Maybe I need rest. I've always told myself I'll feel better after getting some rest. Or maybe I'm just a little Bi-polar with a mix of paranoia and depression.
I've always told myself I always bounce back. I've always told people I'll be alright.
I shouldn't be like this. I always know but I always somehow end up pulling the trigger and let myself fall.
The biggest idiot is the one who knows its a bottomless pit but still jumps into it.
The caring heart. I've always hated to see the sadness in people. I somehow could always tell. But sometimes I didn't do anything. The times I tried I either failed or was just brushed away. Soon I somehow gave up. I was tired of see the sadness. So I closed my eyes for awhile. Decided to become a idiot. Just tried to live my life blindly. Ignorance is bliss I guess. After awhile I wanted to see again. I wanted to help. But somehow I lost a part of it. I still see somethings. I see a different degree. And now I wanna gorge my eyes out. At one point I gave up on myself. But I never gave up on people. Now I feel like I'm giving up on both. When I saw the sadness I could empathize with. When I saw the smile I tasted a little envy. I wish I could really smile like that.
I wish I could throw away all that I feel and let myself feel happy. I wish I could go into the past and tell myself. Maybe I could live without seeing, feeling and living this way. But that would be impossible so right now I'm wasting time and energy just thinking about it.
My "heart" & "mind". Conflicts. Its not two things. Its about 3 or 4 and maybe 5. I wish I could just be simple and dumb sometimes. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much in this spiral of blackness.
I'm a liar. I'm a hypocrite. I know it. I see it. I wish it not. All the "I"s but still..
I'm kinda lost in my ownself. But still somehow I know. A part of me always knew.
I should stop but my mind still an ocean of thoughts. I always told myself not to think too much but still I do.
God you see me. You know me. And I kinda know you. I've always believed there was a reason behind it all. Something greater. The thing that gave me hope and reason for every second that ticks. For every breath I breathe. I just wish I would see it.
Three years down the road I'll laugh at this. Ten I'll write a book about this road. That's if I get there.
For now I'll carry on. Until I get out of this shit hole. I hope I don't give up.
I don't think they understand. Where everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to know who I am. - Iris
Just maybe your gonna be the one who saves me - Wonderwall (random song I'm listening to)
Blue.
A way I can say how I feel some how.
Just blue.
Its a weird feeling.
There is the light blue. The dark blue but yet the sky which is blue seems so sad.
The blue sea that seems so dark.
Black is a darkness.
White is a brightness.
Yellow is a richness.
Green is a naturalness.
Somehow I see. Somehow I'm blind.
If I can find.
If I can feel.
If only.
Somehow I don't think people see. Somehow I don't think people know.
An expression. Its like invisible Ink.
What would you do if you see?
A way I can say how I feel some how.
Just blue.
Its a weird feeling.
There is the light blue. The dark blue but yet the sky which is blue seems so sad.
The blue sea that seems so dark.
Black is a darkness.
White is a brightness.
Yellow is a richness.
Green is a naturalness.
Somehow I see. Somehow I'm blind.
If I can find.
If I can feel.
If only.
Somehow I don't think people see. Somehow I don't think people know.
An expression. Its like invisible Ink.
What would you do if you see?
Church Camp
Something that should never be forgotten and never to be forgotten.
Time to really get it right and live it properly.
Made better friendships.. Got a little closer.. Set this heart right.. Fresh new anointing..
Whats not to like?
Time to really get it right and live it properly.
Made better friendships.. Got a little closer.. Set this heart right.. Fresh new anointing..
Whats not to like?
Could you remind me of the time?
So lost in this hours days nights..
Drifting..
Would you remind me of how I used to feel?
How I could care and love so much?
Bleeding..
Can I remember the day I gave it all away?
Just the time I wouldn't care so much..
Crashing..
And then came a flood washing over me.
Reminiscing..
Actions tell tales of the Intentions behind the faces and the Hands reveals the Heart behind the Mind..
Strife
So lost in this hours days nights..
Drifting..
Would you remind me of how I used to feel?
How I could care and love so much?
Bleeding..
Can I remember the day I gave it all away?
Just the time I wouldn't care so much..
Crashing..
And then came a flood washing over me.
Reminiscing..
Actions tell tales of the Intentions behind the faces and the Hands reveals the Heart behind the Mind..
Strife
Just wondering
2010. Still can't believe it.
Just not too long ago I was still like this and that.
Now things have changed too much.
Just going to rant about stuff.
Beyond my reason and furthest from my vision.
Do you see the world or the people..
I keep telling myself over and over again not to feel this way but some how I always keep falling for the same thing..
Time time time time time.. I wish I had more time.. Time to clear things up.. Time for my friends.. Time for myself and time to waste away..
Looking back I wonder how did things suddenly just turn out like this.. Keep missing the way things were and soon I will miss everything else..
The way I feel is simply retarded.. Making sense of the senseless and holding on to the transparent..
When did I become so selfish? When did I stop being so selfless.. There was once a time I always told myself that it was better to have others happy then to myself so I decided to deny myself and to give it my best to others.. But now I'm like this..
Seeing, hearing, feeling. Wanna close my eyes but afraid I will lose it all..
But the one thing I shall ask to everybody and anybody who reads this..
WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?
It struck me really hard like a gunshot in the silent night. Made me wonder. What am I running from? What are you running from?
We fear so we run. We hurt so we run away. We do not know so we run. Will you be willing to confront it?
Just of the things that came to mind.. really tired. i should like slp now.
Just not too long ago I was still like this and that.
Now things have changed too much.
Just going to rant about stuff.
Beyond my reason and furthest from my vision.
Do you see the world or the people..
I keep telling myself over and over again not to feel this way but some how I always keep falling for the same thing..
Time time time time time.. I wish I had more time.. Time to clear things up.. Time for my friends.. Time for myself and time to waste away..
Looking back I wonder how did things suddenly just turn out like this.. Keep missing the way things were and soon I will miss everything else..
The way I feel is simply retarded.. Making sense of the senseless and holding on to the transparent..
When did I become so selfish? When did I stop being so selfless.. There was once a time I always told myself that it was better to have others happy then to myself so I decided to deny myself and to give it my best to others.. But now I'm like this..
Seeing, hearing, feeling. Wanna close my eyes but afraid I will lose it all..
But the one thing I shall ask to everybody and anybody who reads this..
WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?
It struck me really hard like a gunshot in the silent night. Made me wonder. What am I running from? What are you running from?
We fear so we run. We hurt so we run away. We do not know so we run. Will you be willing to confront it?
Just of the things that came to mind.. really tired. i should like slp now.
New beginnings
Wow.. Its 2010! wow.. Finally updating after like super super long! as promised i shall update after my attachment! =D
So 2009 comes to an end and 2010 comes..
The past year has been a crazy ride on a roller coaster ride that seems to never end and can crash any moment.
So many things has happen and I'm like pretty detached from things now a days..
Gotta get things back together again..
Today being my last day of attachment I'm like finally free of one thing!!!
Time do do stuff that I wasn't able to do in the next.... 2 days... wow..
School is starting soon again! Back to the hectic lifestyle of trying to get by week by week and no longer day by day!
ok! shall post on all the happenings next time!
cya!
So 2009 comes to an end and 2010 comes..
The past year has been a crazy ride on a roller coaster ride that seems to never end and can crash any moment.
So many things has happen and I'm like pretty detached from things now a days..
Gotta get things back together again..
Today being my last day of attachment I'm like finally free of one thing!!!
Time do do stuff that I wasn't able to do in the next.... 2 days... wow..
School is starting soon again! Back to the hectic lifestyle of trying to get by week by week and no longer day by day!
ok! shall post on all the happenings next time!
cya!
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